How infuriating is that feeling when the one person you care about it upset and down you can’t do anything about it and knowing that you could have possibly caused it? I know that it isn’t always the case, and that usually things aren’t my fault and I do help, but there is always that lingering feeling of helplessness and failure in general. I rang when he was in a complete fug, the whole monosyllabic tone and everything, and now 56 minutes and 49 seconds later, he’s laughing and rambling on at me. Hearing him laugh is possibly the nicest sound that has ever reached my ears, and I know deep down that I’ve made him feel better by talking to him, yet I cannot get that feeling away. In the pit of my stomach I feel sick because I feel like I was part of the problem to begin with and that’s not what I want. I’m scared that one day I’m going to cause too much of the problem and I’m going to lose the most important and wondrous thing in my life. I wouldn’t hurt him on purpose, I couldn’t, yet I have an irrational fear of being separated from him. There’s an ache in my heart that I’ve never felt before, when he’s upset it makes me feel awful and I just want to run to him and console and comfort. In reality, I know I help, but in my head I’m just failing the person I adore, time and time again.
I’m feeling damn pessimistic about life at the moment. I’m genuinely shitting myself about exams and colleges and life in general. How are you meant to start deciding what you’re going to do with your life at 15? I’m scared I’m going to make the wrong decision and no one even cares. I’m just one of the hundreds of thousands of kids that are starting to have to think about colleges and what they’re going to end up doing with their lives. I just can’t come to grips with the fact that i’ve got to make some decisions in the next couple of years that are going to effect the rest of my life. I know i’m not the only one, I guess I’m getting more worried about it than I should.